Tonight I watched Sister Wives on TLC, and friends, ya’ll need to set your dvr’s to record this insanity. I feel like I’m going to need a few days to process everything I saw and heard tonight, but here are a few things I found interesting:
I have every intention of being your good time girl. I want to be your special exmo friend that drinks coffee with you, teaches you new swear words and holds your hair when you barf and doesn’t judge you for it later. This blog is meant to be funny, even when I’m talking about things that might be sad. Whether I actually accomplish that is unknown, but I’m trying friends. I’m trying…
When I wrote my last post about my little girl obsession with Olivia Newton John I deleted an entire paragraph that I didn’t even realize I had started writing. I deleted it because it was heartfelt and serious and I am here only to talk about silly things, like baptisms for the dead and Fast and Testimony meetings. But with all the the hubub over Elder Marlen Jensen’s apology to a group of gay Mormons regarding Prop 8 I’m finding it hard not to add my two cents.
I just discovered this neato thing called Formspring. You can ask folks questions (anonymously if you want) and they have to answer. I put the little widget thang at the bottom right of my blog here, so ask away! I got the ball rolling by asking our buddy Koda a question and then baiting him into asking me a question. And by baiting, I mean that I basically told him what to ask me and the good man complied. So here we go:
Is there anyone you really
wanted to be when you grew up?
All I want to do in the world today is dance to this song in my underwears… Cee lo Green makes this little white girl very, very happy. Now, it’s got some dirty words, so if you are at work keep your volume down. But if you are home, I suggest you strip down to your not so secret underpants and blast this.
Cee lo Green is the master
You can thank me later!!
You googled “Can I do baptisms for the dead when I’m having my period?” and you found this. And then you stayed for 18 minutes and read 11 posts… I’m assuming you are deep in throws of your teenage years, attending Young Women’s and trying to feel the spirit. I would kill to know if you laughed when you read my blog, or if you read in horror and think I’m a terrible person. Whatever you think, I’m at least happy to have provided you with the knowledge that no, you cannot do baptisms for the dead when you have your period. continue reading…
I have always loved me some missionaries. Even at two years old I loved them. I think it must be written into my genetic code somehow, especially when you consider that my mother was converted by them when I was nine months old and ultimately left my father for the promise of becoming re-virginized through baptism and a plethora of handsome young men in suits and white shirts who just can’t wait to get married and have lots of kids. I think my exposure to missionaries at a young age set the stage for the type of men I would ultimately grow up and copulate with. Especially when you consider my unwavering attraction to clean cut, well spoken, neatly dressed and, quite often, gay men. Oh, the heartache of my mid-teens and early twenties! Back then I didn’t realize that when a boy with a Spandau Ballet hairdo and light coating of lip gloss gives you a Yaz tape it’s not because he likes you that way. continue reading…
My secret girl crush, the lovely and talented Ms. Eliza R. Snitch wrote about the new I’m a Mormon campaign with her trademark wit and composure and it got me thinking… What would MY “I’m a Mormon” ad have looked like had I stayed in the church and not gone all apostatey…
Let’s take a look, shall we?
Hi, I’m Sister Secret
I am a wife, mother, daughter,
manic depressive, overeater
and a Mormon…
I think it’s time to talk about masturbation, don’t you? There is always so much talk about all our funny Mormon rules on how to avoid it, but no one ever comes clean about actually DOING it. And yes, that bad pun was intended.
Hey folks! Yeah, I know, I haven’t written anything for a while but here’s the thing: summer just sucks the life right out of me. I believe that my brainpower weakens with every ounce of sweat I produce, and therefore I have been rendered borderline retarded. I am tired all the time, all I want to do is eat and stay inside with the ac cranked to 60 degrees. Sleeping has become more interesting to me than sex and let’s just say I find sex VERY interesting.
I know what you are thinking, and nope, I’m not pregnant. Not even close. Not depressed either, life is pretty good at the moment. I think I’m just lazy is all…
Last night I was filled with hate. I willingly sat and watched Danielle from The Real Housewives of New Jersey repeatedly try to show the world her anus. I sat in front of my tv and shoved mouthfuls of pomegranate Pinkberry into my face while fantasizing that it was a Dominoes Hot Chocolate Lava cake. From time to time I gagged at what I saw on the tv but nothing could stop me from pounding my Pinkberry. God, that sounds filthy. Anyway, Danielle was pretending that she was shy, that she needed her girlfriends to take her out shopping for lingerie and to take a pole dancing class to see if she’s still “got it”, but methinks the real motivator in this situation is that she was dying to expose her entire asshole and general genital/anal regions on national tv. When she looked at her busted Rick Springfield lookalike bodyguard dude and said: “Connect, Suggest” I almost picked up the tv in a hulk like rage and threw it out the window. Like I said, I was filled with hate.