It’s been a brutal winter this year pretty much everywhere. But it’s been worse than usual here in NYC and I AM OVER IT.
I got a flu shot back in October but still got a killer flu. I got pneumonia with a supersized order of Asthma on top and had to take so many steroids that I fantasized about hand to hand combat. In my fantasy, one hand would fight while the other hand shoved pizza in my face. There were steroid fueled sex fantasies in there too, but I was too sick to do much about them. I would cry at the drop of a hat, rage at the slightest provocation and I woke up one night at 2am sweating and dying for a pizza. I’m all better now, but like I said, I’m DONE with winter. Winter can SUCK IT.
Winter has always represented illness and shame as far back as I can remember. An early memory is my ill fated 2nd grade year in Provo. This was the year that in the midst of a heated debate I told my friends a whopping lie- I told them my mom let me watch her having sex so I’d know how babies were made. I got spectacularly caught in this lie by mom and If it were legal to waterboard your children I think it would have been my punishment. Not kidding. And so I should have known better. But there I was again, with the same group of girls hiding from the cold in the stairwell during recess. We were bored and someone came up with a great idea. Let’s have a drawing contest!
A naked person drawing contest!
And so it was decided. We would all draw one naked woman and one naked man and the “Judge” would decide who did the best drawings. It was also decided that we should all definitely sign our names on our naked drawings so that the judge would know whose drawings were whose. The Judge was a prissy girl who didn’t want to do the drawings, she thought it was terrible to draw wieners and boobs so we convinced her to be the judge. This bitch relished the job. So much so that she took them out during class and sneakily tried to look at them. And oh yes, she got busted.
So busted, in fact, that you would have thought she was holding large amounts of cocaine and not a few crayon renditions of badly drawn genitalia on stick figures. Our drawings were confiscated, a note was sent to the principals office and within five minutes the principal, guidance counselor and assistant principal arrived at our classroom. The five of us who had made the drawings, along with the judge were immediately death marched to the principals office where we were separated and questioned. Let us not forget that we were 7 years old. I was TERRIFIED.
Ultimately I was named as the ring leader, which I’m sure I was, and we were all told that our teacher would be calling our parents at 6pm to tell them what we had done. Which meant that I needed to get myself run over by a truck on the way home from school if I had any hope of seeing my 8th birthday. But you know what my punishment was? After the call came from my teacher my mom dragged me to my room and told me I was too dirty to get baptized and that she was ashamed of me. This threat worked like a charm, but the label of being dirty never left me and hurt it me for a long, long time. But hey, on the bright side? I learned how to draw some pretty awesome boobs…