17
Feb

Winter made me do it…

It’s been a brutal winter this year pretty much everywhere.  But it’s been worse than usual here in NYC and I AM OVER IT.

I got a flu shot back in October but still got a killer flu.  I got pneumonia with a supersized order of Asthma on top and had to take so many steroids that I fantasized about hand to hand combat.  In my fantasy, one hand would fight while the other hand shoved pizza in my face.  There were steroid fueled sex fantasies in there too, but I was too sick to do much about them.  I would cry at the drop of a hat, rage at the slightest provocation and I woke up one night at 2am sweating and dying for a pizza.  I’m all better now, but like I said, I’m DONE with winter.  Winter can SUCK IT.

Winter has always represented illness and shame as far back as I can remember.  An early memory is my ill fated 2nd grade year in Provo.  This was the year that in the midst of a heated debate I told my friends a whopping lie- I told them my mom let me watch her having sex so I’d know how babies were made.  I got spectacularly caught in this lie by mom and If it were legal to waterboard your children I think it would have been my punishment.  Not kidding.   And so I should have known better.  But there I was again, with the same group of girls hiding from the cold in the stairwell during recess.  We were bored and someone came up with a great idea.  Let’s have a drawing contest!

A naked person drawing contest!

And so it was decided.  We would all draw one naked woman and one naked man and the “Judge” would decide who did the best drawings.  It was also decided that we should all definitely sign our names on our naked drawings so that the judge would know whose drawings were whose.  The Judge was a prissy girl who didn’t want to do the drawings, she thought it was terrible to draw wieners and boobs so we convinced her to be the judge.  This bitch relished the job.  So much so that she took them out during class and sneakily tried to look at them.  And oh yes, she got busted.

So busted, in fact, that you would have thought she was holding large amounts of cocaine and not a few crayon renditions of badly drawn genitalia on stick figures.  Our drawings were confiscated, a note was sent to the principals office and within five minutes the principal, guidance counselor and assistant principal arrived at our classroom.   The five of us who had made the drawings, along with the judge were immediately death marched to the principals office where we were separated and questioned.  Let us not forget that we were 7 years old.  I was TERRIFIED.

Ultimately I was named as the ring leader, which I’m sure I was, and we were all told that our teacher would be calling our parents at 6pm to tell them what we had done.  Which meant that I needed to get myself run over by a truck on the way home from school if I had any hope of seeing my 8th birthday.  But you know what my punishment was?  After the call came from my teacher my mom dragged me to my room and told me I was too dirty to get baptized and that she was ashamed of me.   This threat worked like a charm, but the label of being dirty never left me and hurt it me for a long, long time.   But hey, on the bright side?  I learned how to draw some pretty awesome boobs…

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This entry was posted on Thursday, February 17th, 2011 at 2:59 pm and is filed under Random Musings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

comments

5
  1. February 17th, 2011 | Becky says:

    I am sick of winter too. I haven’t been on any steroids LATELY, but I have been on them plenty often before because I have really bad asthma flare-ups, so I feel your pain on that one. I feel a need to eat like 10 meals a day when on Prednisone. Love the story about 2nd grade!

  2. February 17th, 2011 | Carla says:

    First, LOLZ.

    Second, BOO. If I was your mom whoever called me to say they’d made my kid feel bad for drawing the nekkid I would have lectured them into oblivion.

  3. February 17th, 2011 | Secret Underpants says:

    Hey Carla, can you adopt me now? I’m not even kidding. :)

    Becky, thank you for validating my prednisone insanity. You have no idea! xo

  4. June 7th, 2011 | Shelly says:

    Seriously. I need more posts from you. This blog is adorable and hilarious.

  5. October 11th, 2011 | Kira =] says:

    omg. i can’t believe they freaked out over some boob drawing. seriously. I swear the uptight attitude has to be in “Zion” aka out west. I’m happily active, but down here (Alabama) it’s not the same attitude. Of course just about every member from out west that comes in our area is so proud to be “in the field”- seriously, they’ve said that in church from the pulpit. Gag!

    Awesome boob drawing. My 4 year old drew similar ones and later that day picked up a bra at a thrift store and said his sister could wear it since it was much smaller than mine. lol And my sister’s 6 year old told her in the check-out line that the cashier’s boobs are as big as her’s. I think the only one ashamed was the cashier. =]

    We will never tell our daughter’s they are dirty- especially after this blog post I read. http://www.thebigpieceofcake.com/2008/08/why-good-girls-go-bad.html

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