My secret girl crush, the lovely and talented Ms. Eliza R. Snitch wrote about the new I’m a Mormon campaign with her trademark wit and composure and it got me thinking… What would MY “I’m a Mormon” ad have looked like had I stayed in the church and not gone all apostatey…
Let’s take a look, shall we?
Hi, I’m Sister Secret
I am a wife, mother, daughter,
manic depressive, overeater
and a Mormon…
I am a 26 year old Caucasian woman and I have four beautiful children, all 11 months apart. Three of them are still in diapers. Yay me! I truly believe/have been told that my calling on this earth is to provide bodies for as many spirit babies as physically possible and I am doing my best! My husband is finishing up his degree in Physical Education at BYU, and we have been on church welfare since our first child was born (because my calling is to stay home and raise all the babies I give birth to, not to help support them financially). I am severely depressed, all the time, and I have a tendency to eat my feelings which has resulted in my morbid obesity. More to love! (?) I often cry during sacrament meeting, and I always tell my husband it’s because I’m so filled with spirit but really I’m just crying because I’m sad.
Why I am Mormon:
I am Mormon because when I was a baby my mom saw the film “The Exorcist” and was scared so badly by it she went in search of religion. But actually, religion found her in the form of two incredibly hot Mormon missionaries! What a coincidence! So yeah, I was raised Mormon, never left Utah and was taught to believe that my only worth in this life was to be a wife and mother. I’m a lucky lady.
Sometimes I will eat up to three King Size Snickers bars a day, and I will eat them in the bathroom if it’s the weekend and my husband is home. Whenever I try to talk to my husband about how I’m feeling he tells me to FAST (hahahaha!) and pray about it, then hides in the bedroom and plays XBox. (Wait, was I supposed to bear my testimony there?)