Don’t think about Pink Elephants…

I have every intention of  being your good time girl.  I want to be your special exmo friend that drinks coffee with you, teaches you new swear words and holds your hair when you barf and doesn’t judge you for it later.   This blog is meant to be funny, even when I’m talking about things that might be sad.  Whether I actually accomplish that is unknown, but I’m trying friends.  I’m trying…

When I wrote my last post about my little girl obsession with Olivia Newton John I deleted an entire paragraph that I didn’t even realize I had started writing.   I deleted it because it was heartfelt and serious and I am here only to talk about silly things, like baptisms for the dead and Fast and Testimony meetings.  But with all the the hubub over Elder Marlen Jensen’s apology to a group of gay Mormons regarding Prop 8 I’m finding it hard not to add my two cents.

If you’ve read much of my blog then you know that I had a propensity to dry hump my girlfriends when I little.  I also had an unholy obsession with Olivia Newton John that completely freaked my mom out.  Before I even knew what the term “Gay” meant, my mom started a campaign of terror in my life and introduced an enormous pink elephant that I could not stop thinking about.  Her simple statement of  “I’ll always love you, but if I ever found out you were gay it would kill me” was enough to send me reeling.   When I asked her what “Gay” meant and she told me I went to my room and cried.

When I was young I knew that I liked boys, but I also found the idea of two girls “doing it” to be wildly exciting.  I didn’t “like” any of my girlfriends and I didn’t find myself attracted to any of them, but when I saw “Emmanuelle” at my friends house when I was eleven the scene with the two women doing it set me on fire.   And so began my private torture- was I gay?   Even though I always had boyfriends and was feminine my mom’s campaign never stopped.  Her fear fed mine and it was awful.

When I moved to NYC right after high school I decided it was time to find out if I was gay once and for all.   Long story short?  Nope.  Not gay.  I realized quickly that even though I was able to sleep with women a few times, it wasn’t what I thought, and I definitely wasn’t compelled to keep trying.   I wasn’t able to feel any of the giddiness, connection, or love that came so easily with men.   And truly,  it was the love factor that gave me peace- the fact that I knew deep down that I would never love a woman the way I loved men banished the pink elephant and closed the door on my mother’s suggestion.   The idea that gay people have a “choice” is ridiculous.  Do any of us have a choice in who we love?

I love my family deeply, but I am ashamed.   I feel that gay marriage is the civil rights issue of our time and the Mormon church is on the wrong side of history.  I can put it no plainer than that.

And so it is my hope that Elder Jensen’s show of humanity opens  the door to other rational Mormons speaking up.   All I can do is hope.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, September 26th, 2010 at 10:51 pm and is filed under Random Musings.

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  1. September 27th, 2010 | Becky says:

    “I love my family deeply, but am ashamed.” haha! Love it. I’ll have to google this Elder Jensen dude. Thanks for keeping me in the loop!

  2. September 27th, 2010 | TrillianM says:

    Great post! I love your funny ones (including this one) but a little seriousness never killed anyone.

  3. September 27th, 2010 | Reason says:

    Link to said “Elder Jensen” story?

  4. September 27th, 2010 | Secret Underpants says:
  5. September 30th, 2010 | goodbye kitty says:

    Oh, they are starting to speak up! In sacrament meetings, even! (and being “led out” because of it):


  6. October 14th, 2010 | Secret Underpants says:

    Goodbye Kitty, I meant to thank you for the link! I give so many props to that brave guy!