I think it’s time to talk about masturbation, don’t you? There is always so much talk about all our funny Mormon rules on how to avoid it, but no one ever comes clean about actually DOING it. And yes, that bad pun was intended.
It’s such a strange thing, really. We all do it. Even if the church tells us not to, or our parents tell us we are nasty and bad for doing it. My little brother used to play with his balls like it was his job when he was 4 or 5 years old and I remember teasing him viciously about it. He’d always look at me with his sweet little face and say ” But, they’re sticky“. I have always felt so bad and have since apologized for teasing him about it. Although in retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have made my heartfelt apology during Christmas dinner.
Let’s be frank. There is a very real difference between playing with your sticky balls when you are little and actually popping one off. And this is the story I’d like to tell today…
My “aha” moment came to me one day when I was sixteen. I had already been doing it with boys for a whole year at this point, but I hadn’t really figured out what all the fuss was about yet. I was also in deep DL (downlow) Mormon mode. I was still forced to go to church and I played the part- no one in my family or ward had any idea I was slutting it up. But boy was I…
Anyway, my mom was an avid reader and she was tearing through the Clan of Cavebear series by Jean Auel. She had talked about how good the books were, and fretted aloud about how there were some rather “graphic” parts to the story. Bad idea, mom. You really shouldn’t have told me that because I immediately took the books to my room and started reading and you were right- there was some serious shit in those books. After a while I had no choice but to take matters into my own hand. And OH.MY.GOD! What the fuck just happened!!!??
That’s right, I had my first orgasm at 16 while reading The Clan of the Cavebear. How lame. It didn’t happen in the back of a limo with the members of Duran Duran or on my wedding night (hahahahahahahaha!!!) but still. Let’s just say that all I wanted to do for a solid month afterward was read that book over and over and over….
Even though I eventually was sent to the bishop to confess my lost virginity (that’s a whole other story that I will tell later) I NEVER, EVER told on myself and my special reading material.