This overshare brought to you by The Clan of the Cavebear…

I think it’s time to talk about masturbation, don’t you?  There is always so much talk about all our funny Mormon rules on how to avoid it, but no one ever  comes clean about actually DOING it.   And yes, that bad pun was intended.

It’s such a strange thing, really.  We all do it.  Even if the church tells us not to, or our parents tell us we are nasty and bad for doing it.   My little brother used to play with his balls like it was his job when he was 4 or 5 years old and I remember teasing him viciously about it.  He’d always look at me with his sweet little face and say ” But, they’re sticky“.  I have always felt so bad and have since apologized for teasing him about it.  Although in retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have made my heartfelt apology during Christmas dinner.

Let’s be frank.  There is a very real difference between playing with your sticky balls when you are little and actually popping one off.  And this is the story I’d like to tell today…

My “aha” moment came to me one day when I was sixteen.  I had already been doing it with boys for a whole year at this point, but I hadn’t really figured out what all the fuss was about yet.  I was also in deep DL (downlow) Mormon mode.  I was still forced to go to church and I played the part- no one in my family or ward had any idea I was slutting it up.  But boy was I…

Anyway, my mom was an avid reader and she was tearing through the Clan of Cavebear series by Jean Auel.   She had talked about how good the books were, and fretted aloud about how there were some rather “graphic” parts to the story.   Bad idea, mom.  You really shouldn’t have told me that because I immediately took the books to my room and started reading and you were right- there was some serious shit in those books.   After a while I had no choice but to take matters into my own hand.  And OH.MY.GOD!  What the fuck just happened!!!??

That’s right, I had my first orgasm at 16 while reading The Clan of the Cavebear.  How lame.  It didn’t happen in the back of a limo with the members of Duran Duran or on my wedding night (hahahahahahahaha!!!) but still.   Let’s just say that all I wanted to do for a solid month afterward was read that book over and over and over….

Even though I eventually was sent to the bishop to confess my lost virginity (that’s a whole other story that I will tell later)  I NEVER, EVER told on myself and my special reading material.

Thanks mom!

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This entry was posted on Friday, August 27th, 2010 at 12:49 am and is filed under Random Musings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.


  1. August 27th, 2010 | Urban Koda says:

    My Dad, the ultra Mormon bishop and Stake President had a great collection of Wilbur Smith novels (Don’t know if he’s big here, but he was in South Africa). I spent many a night rereading specific pages and trying to liken the events in the books unto myself… GOOD TIMES!!

  2. September 1st, 2010 | Secret Underpants says:

    Koda, thank you for sharing! So good to know I’m not alone!

    I always thought it was hypocritical of my mom to tell me I couldn’t listen to the George Michael album, or watch Purple Rain KNOWING she had those glorious, nasty, Clan of the Cavebear books. I think literary porn is the only kind our devout Mormon parents dared mess with.

  3. September 12th, 2010 | Nancy Oaks says:

    Masturbating was definitely the first “sin” I committed after I realized the church wasn’t true. Haha

  4. September 19th, 2010 | metallicmom says:

    LOVED Clan of the Cavebear. I also thought The Thornbirds was pretty hot in high school. And I really wish I’d discovered dildos and vibrators decades ago! As well as rum and coffee. I’m a very late bloomer.

  5. September 20th, 2010 | Em says:

    You apologized over Christmas dinner?!?! Now THAT would have been a moment that would have been hilarious to see.

  6. September 26th, 2010 | Becky says:

    I’ve never read Clan of the Cave Bear, but this makes me think of how my super Mormon MIL has given me 2 books (10+ years apart–I learned my lesson the first time, but then forgot it). She calls them historical fiction, but really they are porn on paper. I mean, “His hard purple manhood penetrated her soft velvety depths.”??? Really? (Paraphrased of course–I don’t have THAT good of a memory, but that part of one of the books stands out to me for some reason…)