White Bread Obsession…

One of the few things I miss about being in the church is missing out on Fass ‘n’ Tessamony meeting.  And the sacrament.  That little thimble of cold water and that tiny  bite of white bread was like crack to a child who knows it’s got at least three more hours of church ahead with no food. I think my carb addiction started at sacrament meeting all those years ago.  I really do.   I remember thinking when I was little that I would keep loaves and loaves of white bread in my house when I grew up so that I could eat as much as I wanted, whenever  I wanted.

Fass’n'Tessamony meeting was awesome.  Once a month they’d put up a microphone and instead of having to listen to  boring talks you got to listen to people get up and bear their testimony, i.e., spill the beans on themselves.  There were always three types of testimonies and there was always the thrill of waiting for a jackpot:

1. The Pre recorded

“IhaveatestimoneythatthechurchofJesusChristofLatterDaySaintsisthetonetruechurchandthat  JosephSmithisatrueprophetofgod.Isaythesethingsinthenameofjesuschrist,Amen”.  This is a two minute testimony and  usually comes from small children who have it whispered in their ear by proud parents and/or by anyone who has done something bad lately and is feeling guilty, but not guilty enough to provide a beloved Jackpot.  (see below)

2.  The Old person

The old person makes you sad.   The old person makes you feel bad about laughing at testimonies until they inevitably bust out with too much information on how their bowel problems were solved when the missionaries gave them a blessing with the “Constipated Oil”.  I’m not joking.  Just ask my mom- she dragged me out of said testimony meeting and pinched me so hard in the foyer that I cried.  WWJD indeed.

3. The Jackpot

Jackpot testimonies don’t come along that often, but when they do it’s magic.  You can expect to get a jackpot testimony from the ward alcoholic, the shameful divorcing couple and the clinically depressed moms.  Any and all of these testimonies will be way too forthcoming, with details no one deserves but everyone loves.  I once heard about a man’s Erectile Dysfunction, another man’s fall off the wagon and a mom who stood up and told us all that she did NOT try to commit suicide.  She just took too many pills because she was tired.  Jackpot testimonies are like having  celebrities stand up with a microphone and read to you all the bad shit written in the tabloids about them to your face.

I think that I loved Fast and Testimony meetings so much because from time to time I actually saw a glimmer of other families not being perfect.  I always thought that my family was the only one with a dad who was the exact opposite of what a priesthood holder is described as and a mom who cried all the time… <shoves wonder bread in mouth>

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This entry was posted on Monday, April 19th, 2010 at 3:33 am and is filed under Random Musings.

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  1. April 23rd, 2010 | Holly says:

    Fantastic site! I’ve added you to my blog roll.

  2. April 27th, 2010 | Chris says:

    Great blog! Man I wish I had better ‘fass & tessamony’ meetings when I grew up! Maybe I zoned out too much… or perhaps I’ve repressed those memories…

    Keep up the posts. Love it.

  3. August 25th, 2010 | JM says:

    Wonderful post! You could still go to fast and testimony meetings if you wanted. Just sit in the foyer with a bowl of popcorn. :) I think I might do that once I transfer out of BYU.

  4. September 3rd, 2010 | Secret Underpants says:

    JM, if I were in Utah I would TOTALLY sit in the foyer of your ward with a big bowl of popcorn for each of us. :) Great idea…

  5. September 26th, 2010 | Becky says:

    Love it.