Dry humping, Rio and the Secret Underpants introduction…

I have no idea how to start this blog… There is too much to tell, too many places to start.  So I think I’m going to make it easy and start out with a defining moment that sums up the answer to the age old question, “How did you know you didn’t want to be Mormon anymore?”

Let’s travel back in time to the first year that MTV was on the air.   I was 9 years old, already in a training bra and had a bad habit of grinding my private parts against my  friends private parts.  These friends were always girls, and don’t get me wrong, I would have rubbed myself against boy privates too, but at 9 that wasn’t as feasible for some reason.  One particular friend had a dad who was a bishop, and after a few sessions of grinding our private parts together she felt so guilty that she was compelled to tell her dad/bishop.  She said that the small still voice inside her told her she should.   If she had told, it would started  a shit storm of epic proportions but thankfully she never spilled the beans.   I did eventually get caught, but we’ll save that story for later…

If you can believe it though, pre-adolescent lesbian(ish) dry humping wasn’t what got me out of the Church.

It was Duran Duran.

I LOVED Duran Duran.  Every little girl my age did.  But keep in mind, I lived in Utah.  I was surrounded by fellow Mormons and I seriously thought everyone in the world was Mormon.  When I started school I called my teacher “Sister Johnson” instead of  “Mrs. Johnson” and when Reagan was shot  and they announced it in school I kept insisting that someone call the missionaries to go to the hospital and give him a blessing.   But somewhere between the age of 7 and 9 I slowly started realizing that there were people in the world who WEREN’T Mormon and that the world they lived in was very different from mine.

So imagine if you will, me standing in front of the TV mesmerized and completely transfixed with Simon LeBon’s beautiful face.   The video I’m staring at is Rio and every cell in my body is jumping.  I’m 9 years old and it’s been a year since I was baptized and received the gift of the holy ghost.  I don’t quite know why, but the Rio video calls to me from a place deep inside (the holy ghost?).   Without taking my eyes off the TV I yell to my mom “Mommm?   Are Duran Duran Mormon?”   The response was immediate.   “NO!  Turn that TV off!!”

And that was it.  My breakthrough moment.  I wanted to grow up and rub my private parts on Simon LeBon.  I wanted to wear a bikini and dance on a boat like the Rio video.  At nine I knew I was supposed to grow up and get married in the temple and  be a mom and wear Secret Underpants which meant you could NEVER, ever wear a bikini or a tube top.   I will never forget standing there and thinking FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER that maybe I wouldn’t be Mormon when I grew up.

But that’s impossible, right?

Stay tuned…

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This entry was posted on Sunday, April 18th, 2010 at 1:24 am and is filed under Random Musings.

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