Spirit Babies are from Heavenly Father but Jumping on the Bed is required first…

I had the misfortune of walking in on my mom and her new husband “doing it” when I was three.   The memory for me is still clear as day.  Mom on the bed, lying on her back with her knees bent and spread.  She’s naked save the towel she has wrapped around her head and she is shrieking with laughter.  My new “dad” is standing at the other end of the room and takes a running leap towards the bed, balls and junk swinging all around, and JUMPS on my mom.   The memory ends there.  I have no idea what happened next.

My mom, of course, remembers it differently.  According to her, I walked in on them doing it  in the plain old missionary position and supposedly started crying and yelling at my new “dad” to stop hurting my mom.  Huh.  Totally not the way I remembered it, but whatever.  The point of this memory is that it sparked an awareness of all things sexual- real, or perceived- in my three year old mind.   I got very worried at the Ice Capades that the ice skaters were going to start “Jumping on the Bed”  after a lift that required the male skater to hold the female skater above his head with his hand between her legs.  All of the sudden I knew what my mom and stepdad were doing when they took showers together, or when I saw them under blankets on the couch.   I had always been allowed to crawl in bed with mom but not anymore.  Walking in on them that one time was all it took- suddenly I saw sex everywhere and I was like the German secret police when it came to what my mom and her new husband were doing.  I was everywhere at all times and I saw all things.  There was no hiding from me.

I was pissed, and I had many questions that needed answers.  ESPECIALLY when all of the sudden my mom had a baby in her belly…

And so it was explained to me in clear Mormon lingo at three years old: Heavenly Father sends spirit babies from heaven that need bodies.  The spirit baby goes into mom’s belly and then mom and dad have to Jump on the Bed in order to make the baby’s body.  Or something like that.  But it was clear that Jumping on the Bed was needed to help the spirit babies make it down from heaven.

Cut to 2nd grade recess.  I’m on a playground in Mormon Utah, surrounded by my seven year old girlfriends.  Somehow we are on the topic of where babies come from and everyone, and I mean everyone, has heard the spirit baby line, but NO ONE knows shit about the Jumping on the Bed part.  I couldn’t believe they didn’t know this incredibly important piece of the puzzle and I was feeling smug.  I decided to bless these stupid girls with all my knowledge.  This is how it went down:

Molly: “You are totally lying!  Heavenly Father gives moms the whole body and everything!”

Me: “I’m not lying!  My mom explained it to me!”

Molly:  “No she didn’t.  You are just lying!”

Me: “No, she did!  She told me all about it, and… and she let me WATCH cause she wanted to me to learn about it.”

Stunned silence.  I showed them!  Stupid little girls with nice Mormon moms who don’t cry all the time and dads and who don’t hit them for no reason.  Finally, I had something over those bitches!

Except for that as soon as it was out my mouth I knew I was dead.  It wasn’t a TOTAL lie, because I had, in fact, witnessed my mom and step dad Jumping on the Bed.  But my mom definitely didn’t sanction it as some kind of learning tool she picked up out of the Ensign.

When the phone rang at 8pm that night I ran from the kitchen.  One of the girls I had shared my vast knowledge with had gone home and told her mom, and her mom was calling my mom to chastise.  I could hear my mom defending herself- that of course she had never let me watch and she had no idea where I came up with such a story.  I was huddled just around the corner in the hallway trying to listen.  Mom was pissed.

Hmmm.  Just realized that this story doesn’t have a funny ending.  Actually, many of my stories don’t have funny endings so I am going to set  a precedent here for the first time.  If the end of a story isn’t funny and I don’t feel like writing about it, I’m going to end the story like this:

But then my mom just gave me some ice cream and sent me to bed early….


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This entry was posted on Monday, April 19th, 2010 at 9:09 pm and is filed under Random Musings.

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  1. April 24th, 2010 | Andrew S says:

    “Hmmm…Just realized that this story doesn’t have a funny ending.”

    HAHA! This blog is hilarious…because it’s right on! I’ll get to adding this to my blogroll as soon as I can get back to my comp (since now, I’m just using my phone)


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